God forgive me
Today I did something I regret
I started a fight with my family. I was trying to write an essay, when I heard my brother singing in the next room over. I asked him to stop, and he commented that I messed up a program he was doing. He was hardly 5 seconds into it. I was annoyed and I insisted I was not the one who messed it up.
I told him to stop being a dick. Or maybe he told me to stop being a dick. I was trying to write a final exam, and I didn’t need his distractions. He informed me that he wrote an exam the previous night with us being loud, and I called bullshit. He should’ve known the importance of what i was doing then, I thought. SO I told him to leave me be and to shut up, or I would cut the power to his room, and he said I couldn’t do it. So I did.
I went upstairs to write my paper, away from our blacked out rooms. And he yelled through his ceiling to my little sisters room, where our mom was, to tell her to make me turn it back on. She told me to turn it back on, but I didn’t. I was sick of him being an ass, or so I thought. She got mad. She told me to turn it on again. I said no. She said it again. I said no. She screamed in my face. I screamed back.
She took my phone away. I didn’t care. I was writing and exam. She tried to take my laptop away. It had a broken hinge, and I didn’t want it broken worse, so I didn’t let her. Every time i tried to get up she pushed me back on the couch. What was I supposed to do? Knock her down? So I told her I was sick of his shit. I was sick of all of it. She said if I didn’t like it to leave, so I tried to, but she blocked the front door and said no.
We were screaming at this point. I was hysterical and I could feel it. I could feel it was wrong to yell, and I could feel I was hurting my family with each hoarse yell I let out. But I couldn’t stop. It was automatic. Rather, I could have stopped it, but I didn’t. I just didn’t.
My brother came upstairs, and he started screaming too. So I told him to shut the fuck up. I tried to leave again but she still wouldn’t let me through. Everybody was screaming. Insulting me. So I insulted them. And I threatened to punch my brother in his fucking nose. And I must’ve scared him. And I must’ve scared my mom.
My mom slapped me, and I lost it. I had been keeping myself from crying a little the whole time, and now I started screaming at her louder. I went batshit, i could feel myself growing upset and I could feel how wrong i was to lash out… so why didn’t I stop? My brother thought I was going to hurt her.. so he got involved. The next thing I knew he was hugging me and crying, and saying how sorry he was. My mom backed off and I started hugging and crying too. And we just stood there for a while, apologizing..
I think I need to change the way I communicate.
I think I need to change the way I operate, and get my work done. I need to take responsibility and get things done.
I guess I need to grow up.